Can I take you out for coffee and pick your brain?

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This article was originally posted at and was kindly shared by Christina Truong. Check out more of her work at

“Can I take you out for coffee and pick your brain?”

This question simultaneously brings up feelings of flattery and hesitation. I’m flattered that someone deems me knowledgeable enough to help them on their career path and give advice. But getting unsolicited requests feels like an imposition on my time (and subsequently, my money). Even if the request is short, polite, friendly and comes from a good place. And then being asked to travel to a coffee shop, to meet someone I don’t know? Or to respond to an email with a laundry list of questions? We all have different comfort levels so for some people, this is not an issue. But for me, it’s a bit of an uncomfortable ask from a stranger.

“Quick” coffee dates and even emails can be time consuming. There have been instances of where it has taken me 30–45 minutes to respond. Sometimes I’ll get a lot of vague questions, a resume, a blog post or a request to tap into my expertise to help them figure out how they can make their product or organization better. Sometimes all in the same request! So… what do I get out of this? Helping someone may feel good but it don’t pay the bills.

When I began freelancing full-time, my time started to feel even more precious. Every hour that I’m not doing billable work affects my livelihood since I can’t count on a steady 40hr/week paycheque anymore.

But sometimes I feel guilty when I say no or don’t get a chance to respond right away. I do generally like to be helpful so I want to say yes. I want to be helpful. And the kicker? Sometimes I’ll tell the requestor about my mailing list, related services or rates and the response I get is… crickets. All of a sudden my expertise is not needed anymore and often, I don’t even get a reply back or a thank you.

So here are my personal suggestions to help brain-pickers get a “yes” to your requests and for brain-pickees (yep I’m making up words now) to respond to these requests, to help you find a balance between doing free work and helping out.

Brain-pickers: Asking For Mentorship or Advice

Be specific.

“Hi, I was hoping you could give me some advice for how to learn to code.”

“How do I get a job in the tech industry?”

This doesn’t tell me anything. Make it easy for the person to respond to your request.

Do you want to learn online? In person? Are you thinking of enrolling in a program? Do you have any experience already? Do you want to be a programmer or just have a general interest? What research have you done already?

Avoid using the term “pick your brain.”

A lot of people don’t like it. (Makes me think of zombies). Also, it sounds one-sided. It’s better if you can also offer something in return, beyond the warm fuzzy feelings of helping someone out. If you don’t have something to offer, let them know it’s okay to say no and acknowledge that you understand that you are asking for their time. Don’t expect or demand a response. Something like:

“Hey, I love your work and I was wondering if it would be okay if I could ask you a few questions about xyz. I’d appreciate any insight you’re comfortable with providing. If you don’t have the time, I totally understand.”

Don’t say “quick” request, meeting, etc.

“I have a quick question for you.”
“This should be a quick request.”

“Quick” in reference to time is relative. What is quick? 15mins? 30mins? An hour? How do you know it will be quick? One question may take me 5 minutes or 30 minutes to answer.

Say “thank you.” One more time for the people in the back:

This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I know we live in a world where “inbox zero” is some kind of badge of honour but if I’ve taken the time to respond to your email or to meet up, say thank you. It takes 2 seconds to write and 2 seconds to read. A thank you is definitely not an imposition on my time!

Be on time and actually buy that coffee.

Or even be 5 minutes early. If you’re going to offer to take someone out for coffee, take them out for coffee. It’s not about the $5, it’s about the gesture.

Don’t take a “no” personally.

If a person says no, try not to take it as a personal rejection. It couldn’t hurt to take a second look at what you wrote or ask a friend for their opinion, to see if you may have made any missteps. But maybe they really were just too busy. Or maybe they just didn’t want to. And that’s not personal. But remember, no means no. Do not follow up with “but, I just…”


Do not harass them, impose on them or demand their time. Especially if no money has been exchanged, contracts signed or expectations have been established. Do not expect that people just want to help you for free.

Don’t be creepy.

Avoid making statements that are too personal or have nothing to do with the person’s work.

“I’d like to connect with you on LinkedIn. By the way, you’re pretty and I have a crush on you.”

This is not a compliment. It is wildly inappropriate!

Err on the side of caution and ask yourself, “Should I say this?” before hitting send. You don’t know what people’s comfort levels are until you actually get to know them!

Social media channels, like Twitter, are great for being able to interact with people you may normally not get a chance to connect with. But similar to the previous point, the person is still not obligated to respond to you and you still don’t actually know that person. Until you’re able to build a rapport, try not to expect that everyone has the same level of comfort when it comes to getting too personal. There’s being “personable” and there’s being “personal.”

There are other ways to find guidance, mentorship and advice without requesting coffee dates. Here are some other things to consider:

  • If the person is a speaker, go to their events and try to catch a chat after.
  • Follow them on social channels.
  • If they write/blog, look up their work before contacting them. Maybe your question was answered in one of the posts.
  • If they have a newsletter, sign up for it.

The best mentors in my opinion are friends and colleagues! Instead of the “cold email,” I usually follow the points above and have genuinely been able to meet and get to know different people. Hitting up your buddy for some advice is way easier than asking some rando on the internet!

Brain-Pickees: How to Respond to Requests

Learn to say no.

Try not to feel guilty. You’re not a bad person if you don’t have the time or energy to help every single person who asks. Also, “too busy” can mean anything. Maybe you’ve had a long week and you’d rather be eating popcorn and watching your favourite TV show rather than meeting someone for coffee. That counts as being too busy! Self-care comes first.

Feel free to use or remix my template:

“My goal for this year is to be mindful of how much I can take on and as much as I would love to help, I can’t accommodate all the requests I get. However, I’ll be at such and such event. Maybe I’ll see you there? Or you can sign up for my mailing list or check me out on Twitter.”

Set some boundaries.

If you’re open to meeting, set a specific time and place, so you can be in control of how you spend your “free time” and set boundaries. Don’t feel bad about asking them to come to you. (And for brain-pickers, don’t be mad. You should be offering to come to them!)

“I’ll be downtown on Wednesday at such-and-such place. If you’re available, you can drop by between 2–4pm.”

Suggest an alternative.

You want to help but don’t have the time or energy for an in-person meeting. Suggest a video chat or a call instead. Or tell them to email you some questions that you can answer at your leisure. If you’ll be at an event, invite them! That way they can also meet other people too. Win-win.

I actually have a folder in my email called “Advice” and I put all my brain-picking emails in there. So when/if people ask me similar questions, I can copy and paste or see what I wrote last time. (Sorry folks, not all my emails are 100% hand-crafted. The secret is out!)

I hope this doesn’t deter anyone from asking for advice or helping out. The goal of this post was to help you get a “yes” more often or to help you not feel obligated or overwhelmed by uncompensated work. Do what works best for you.

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